painThis blog began as my way to speak about that which I considered (and still do) the most important topic on the planet.  “ENERGY”……….The Metaphysical aspects of Energy to be exact.  I have come so far in beginning this blog precisely as I had planned it.  To develop a group of open minded individuals to discuss the possibilities of Energy and the evolution of man and then set them up for the REALLY big experiences of my life where I could share some of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I was just getting to the place where the bigger subjects and experiences could be shared and then discussed amongst you all……..for certainly many of you have similar experiences and many of you have experiences so profound that we have not been able to discuss them yet.   The reason for that lack of follow through is mine……..my problem…..and my lack of foresight…………I didn’t know that my illness would beat me up (on the inside) so badly.  So badly in fact that I have found myself in the throws of hallucinations and depression………not because I have been abusing my relationship with God or my Doctors but because I was not prepared for the war that “PAIN” can create on the human mind and drive to survive.  During the last month of my life the pain that I have been experiencing has become so intense that I find myself with no desire to get out of bed.  No desire to see people at all.  And when I must see people (friends and doctors) I usually lie about the level of pain because it just takes to much effort to even discuss it.  Just make s you want to curl up into a ball and sleep for so long that when you awaken there is a possibility that the whole thing was just some terrible dream.  So I began using re-posts to keep my blog going and double -dosing on my pain medications so that everyone would think I was doing ok.  Needless to say, it didn’t work.  My thinking was that if I could just get the “Spinal Cord Stimulator” implant then my pain would be reduced and I could get off of these medications and then continue to pursue what I was sure would be a successful writing career.  After all I have all the experience and years of practice using words.  Last Monday was the day I had been working for………the final consultation before scheduling the surgery that would bring my suffering to some sort of relief.  Needless to say, the day was ruined…..I didn’t make it to the consultation and I felt like the world had opened up and swallowed me, along with my ambitions for some quality of life that I could share.  I took such a nose dive into depression that I cursed God and I began cutting myself off from everything.  So far as I was concerned………”I just couldn’t do this anymore”……….fight the pain……wear a happy face everyday……..pretend to be happy about chronic pain that was destroying my faith……….and hide from the people I love the most…….well I gave up, but my friends and family (All of you following my blog and my poetry friends) GEORGINA especially………….would not let me quit…………..She STILL believes in me right now………..she forced me to write this……………she refused to let me be a quitter………..so, here’s the scoop……….tomorrow I have another consult to schedule my implant………..don’t ask me how because it’s so hard to get on the list for this particular surgeon that it’s a miracle……….Without GEORGINA, Cherie, and my Mother this would never have happened……….so many things had to happen for this to possibly be………..I can only say that SOMETHING much bigger than myself made this happen………….so yes Georgina!!……..you were right……….the fight is not over………..maybe tomorrow the news will be awesome……….there is so much more I need to tell you…………….but my pain is great……..and my fight is alive and well……….thank you GEORGIE……….thank you Cherie……………I understand that PAIN is the mind killer…………I’m not done yet………..I can’t believe how many messages from dozens of countries have helped me these past few days have come forward………..I will mentioning you all in the days to come………LOVE to you ALL………you too Kate…………..kisses………..tony