Every Sunday I`m going to write a poem just to have an interlude from the usual posts! I hope you enjoy this change. This poem is written in the common slang dialect of the north of England, rather like the cockney way of speaking that you will hear in London. I hope you like it.

OOOH OUR BERTY!!

“Oooh our Berty! will ya stop ya flippin whinin! ya look ok!”
“Bloody ell our Gerty! it`s not just fallin out! it`s goin bloody white, now people will bloody stare!
That`s chuffin worse than goin bloody grey!”
“Oooh our Berty! I`ve just about ad me fill!
So it`s off ta Boots with you an me today!”
“What the eck for? there`s no magic pill is there?”
“No but there`s a great big bloody bottle with ya bloody name on it!
An don`t ya chuffin mither me pally me old lad! I`ll get ya bloody sorted with that chuffin hair!”

So, off they went! to Boots the chemist was their game.
Peace and quiet was Gerty`s aim.
In the queue she did wait!
She`d now got the bottle! boy was she in a right old state!
She just wanted to get back home, oh Lord! she couldn`t wait!
Her nerves with his whining were in a right old mess!
So there he was in the nuddy in case anything went wrong!
He just sat there waiting with trembling hands!
Thinking what if his mates come knocking?
Would they still think him a man?

“Oh Lord!… what am I ta do with my poor old Berty?
What if it goes wrong?!”
Said a worried and frazzled Gerty!
“Okey doke me duck! here we go!
Bend ya head for me… down real low!”
“What colour am I avin?”
“Pink with green bloody spots…now keep flippin still!”
“Brown would be nice…. but I don`t think it really matters!”
“Ooh our Berty… now look what you`ve gone an done!!
You`ve made a bloody splatter!
Now me nice new rugs got all messed up!
I`d better go get the bleach an a bloody mop!”
“Oh urry up me duck! it`s gettin bloody cold!”
Oh Lord above!! Berty thought! why do I av ta be nearly chuffin bald?
An ta make matters bloody worse!… what there is…is goin chuffin white!
Me hair used ta be just flippin right!

“Will ya blummin get a move on our Gerty!? in`t it time?
Ya said wash it off about half nine”
“I know I did me duck!
Oh bloody chuff…can`t ya wash ya own chuffin hair?
Just look at the mess you`ve made of me new bloody chair!
And the new chuffin rug!!
Ooh eck! look at it now our Berty!!
Right in the bloody middle where people will chuffin stare!”
“Ooh eck me duck! I`m sorry!
I`ll do it meself…don`t fret…but ya know how I hate gettin bloody wet!
Oh crikey! how the bloody chuff do I wash me skin?
I`ve gone all black!…I thought ya said it would be brown!!
Now all me chuffin wrinkles av got it in!!”
“Oh come here our Berty! I`ll get it out with the bleach!”
“OH MY GOD!!….NO CHUFFIN BLOODY CHANCE!!
I`ll use as much soap as I can!
Oh our Gerty…look at the state of me now!!
An I was goin out with the lads for a pint!!”
“Ooh our Berty! will ya stop ya chuffin whinin for heavens bloody sake!
Oooh…but ya do look funny me duck!
Now yar in a right bloody state!!”

G xx

nanny.gina.r@gmail.com