Stop, this day and this night, that I may reflect upon my sisters life.  Have you ever read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay entitled “Self Reliance”?  I mention it only because when I read it, I began to understand my sister much better.  As children we often referred to her as “mother hen” because she was so “no nonsense” in her daily approach to things as they arose.   Things always had to “get done” with her, as I recall.  Her tongue was razor sharp and her hugs always felt like home to me.  My sister Sabrina lived one life outwardly and another inwardly.  Outwardly she was always speaking her mind no matter the consequence.  She seemed to many, abrupt and angry over life’s many intolerances ~ and to many she represented a steadfast, opinionated, business type woman.  To me, as I came to know her better ~ and please understand I am just a brother who gleaned most of what I am conveying here through hundreds of conversations on the phone over the past 13 years or so…….she clung powerfully to the love of her children, always making sacrifices for her daughters Marissa and Meadow, the kinds of sacrifices that must have hurt deeply, but always she looked forward on their behalf because knowing they went to college meant much to her.  She rarely gave that same intensity of Love to others. If she Loved you wholeheartedly, you knew it and you felt it full on.  She did not speak what others taught or believed, she spoke directly from her own mind and heart ~ I always thought there was a type of genius in that non-traditional path of hers, for inwardly she was very Godly in her intent.  We spent many, many hours, speaking of her Love of God.  How when you looked closely, you could find God in everything.  However, she was quick to snap vehemently at you, if your belief system clashed with hers. (smiles)  I know in my heart, God has welcomed her home.
It’s VERY difficult to measure the sum of a persons life ~ some people believe that you can sum up a persons life by the Love’s in their lifetime……….I was there, in Chicago, when she told me she had fallen for a man who wore clogs!  His name is David Fassino, great guy, and Marissa’s father ~ she knew I’d like him because I wore clogs too! (smiles)  I listened intently as she spoke of Danny’s hardworking and forthright attitude toward life ~ he gave her Meadow.  But there was only one man ~ one person ~ to whom she gave ALL of her anger and ALL of her Love ~ and VERY importantly ~ All of her respect ~ his name is Allen Partlow ~ for it was in him that she found that same respect returned, unconditionally.  Truly……..unconditionally!  She spoke many times of how he had changed her faith in humanity.  She was completely taken aback by his relentless giving and sharing and how he cared for Meadow.  She told me once, she had never experienced that kind of rarity of heart.  I can’t say I understand all the in’s and out’s of her personal relationships……….but I DID understand her struggle with alcoholism, having fought the same battle myself.  That struggle was profound and kept her secretive, when it came to speaking to others about much of her life.  She didn’t want anyone to see that part of herself and consequently cut herself off from many people that she Loved dearly.  Because, as any functioning alcoholic will tell you, it’s near impossible to say the words “I am an alcoholic” aloud ,and then NOT do something about it.  I stayed with her a short while once in her home with Troy, where she forced me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. (smiles) She could always see right through me in that way ~ birds of a feather I guess!!  But she was always doing things to help others with her insightful advice and rarely helping herself.
Some people believe you can sum up a persons life by their accomplishments.  My sisters accomplishments were many but I always felt her most outstanding was in her steadfast independence ~ her self-reliance.  Emerson, whom I mentioned earlier, said………”To believe your own thoughts, to believe that what is true for you in your own private heart is true for all men, speak your latent conviction, for it is of the universal mind;  for the innermost in due time becomes the outermost, and our first thought is rendered back to us by the trumpets of the Last Judgment.”
My sister was a great woman, with great difficulties.  I Love her for who she was and I respect her for who she wasn’t.  Hers was an iron will.  There was no changing her mind once her mind was made up on any subject matter.  To me she was an angel ~ a Libra constantly trying to balance the scales.  She was a powerful influence on my life and she will always remain that way.  I miss her already.  And there are many friends and family members lives that she has touched with such profound memories that I dare say, that this world will not spin the same without her, now that she’s gone home.  I know that eventually we ALL must be separated from one another but this was too soon, and my heart hurts so badly because of the suddenness of her departure from this world and the suffering she experienced.  Glide on the Love from us ALL~ into the awaiting arms of the welcoming angels my dear sister.  I Love you ~ you are forever a part of us who know and love you ~ i’ll be talking to you often………Tony

I wish I could have posted her picture here but my computer isn’t functioning properly ~ my apologies.

Hi guys ~ been over a month, I know………..been dealing with this crazy illness of mine.  Doctor’s tell me we’ve got a handle on it now.  I don’t know.  Today is a good day though and I feel like talking so let me convey some things that have been on my mind……..not in any specific order.  Carlos Castaneda, as most of you know, is a HUGE part of me………at least those first three books of his are……….they have guided me most of my adult life toward that something that I’ve come to learn we ALL face eventually.  OURSELVES ~ who we are and how we fit into this crazy, mixed up, and truly beautiful reality.  The last few weeks I’ve been extremely ill and incapable of writing.  Facing this reality without the ability to write was too much for me and I shut down.  Locked the door to my room, turned my phone off, turned the lights off in my room, and stared at the History Channel for four days (H2 actually) ~ half the time I didn’t hear what was being said on the screen because the voice inside my head was much louder.  I thought that at my upcoming Doctor appointment they were going to tell me that I was dying of Cancer or something and my mind began taking me places that were important to me……..like all the time I’ve missed with my two sons, my faith, what I truly believed about this crazy place we call life and I realized just how important those original three Carlos books were to helping design my personal belief system………I mean…….he was right………we ARE all luminous balls of energy that when truly looked upon are glowing enigma’s.  We don’t REALLY know what happens to us after death but we have faith of one kind or another………good or evil………and it doesn’t differentiate…….we all still glow when looked at with the soft eyes Carlos teaches about in those books.  We are ALL using our innate abilities to conceive of and/or imagine ways to find our way home.  To greet our deaths with some sort of understanding of ourselves which, in turn, teaches us everything we need to know about our universe.  It’s ALL inside of us.  The Bible teaches that.  Violence teaches us that.  Life experiences teach us that.  As I stared at the screen those past four days, barely eating or sleeping, I saw in the images flowing through the screen that even in our films we’re creating modern versions of the Bible, the stories our minds create for films, books, paintings etc. are not unlike the stories of our past in the Bible.  Please understand I am NOT a big believer in the Christian version of the Bible ~ there are cultures all over the globe with their own Bible’s that are just as important and just as praiseworthy……but…….they ALL do preach the same thing……Searching, we’re always searching ~ reaching out ~ basing our beliefs on Faith and Faith alone.   Faith in the seemingly impossible as well as probable.  Our sense of moving forward is SO powerful that when faced with death we (at least I) didn’t become fearful……..it became comforting to know that I was moving forward……..toward something…….we have clocks and calendars to count, to keep track of our insatiable need to move forward.   Whether that faith be placed in Jesus’s improbable rise from his death to the place we refer to as Heaven~ or~ if we look to the stars and our Universe….. we are……..either way……..putting our Faith in the impossible or improbable.  I put a lot of my faith in Metaphysics……….my belief that we are innately endowed with extraordinary capabilities we are constantly evolving into.  In any case, we are constantly moving forward, progressing, growing, dreaming, learning and reaching for the impossible.  Carlos Castaneda set me on this course of my amazing search for that which we call God.  Even Atheists through all their rhetoric believe in God or they wouldn’t be so adamantly fighting against believing their was a Big Bang that created this Universe and that their was someone or some thing that created the Big Bang.  We know for a fact that there WAS a Big Bang that created this Universe ~ It’s NOT a big leap from knowing that crucial piece of information, to knowing there IS a God.  Carlos set me on a course that took me ALL over the world………meeting people from many, many backgrounds…………I thank God I met Carlos Castaneda through his books……..because I now know for a fact……..that there is SO much more to this reality than our eyes are capable of perceiving and the beauty therein could only have come from our creator……….he is begging us to see……….we need only look with soft eyes………..I am Dartanion2……….and that’s the way I see it…………T………cheers!!

I intend to speak on metaphysics and Brazil……………in a grandiose way……….more to come……because the truth only works one way………..and the truth is here………….brown people are about to speak……………T

Hey guys!!  Sorry it’s been a few…….again……….For all of you who began reading me last June……….sorry I haven’t been as consistent as I had hoped.  Now, that time seems to be pressing me I think it’s time I begin pressing back.  I promised things last year not yet let delivered.  I did however…..stress……..that ENERGY is the only constant in this thing we call life and refer to as “Our reality”.  What I did not do was say to you in a single paragraph or two what METAPHYSICS really means. There have been thousands of years of civilizations that have become as Grandiose as ours and been destroyed in a matter of days.  That, like the movies insinuate, humankind can be beaten by Nature at any moment.  That entire countries and civilizations can be wiped off of the face of the earth just BECAUSE……….but………what I haven’t begun to explain to you is the beautiful simplicity of it all.  And the reason I can’t do that is because aren’t enough to convey ultimate truth.  What DOES exist are experiences that can’t be explained……..the housewife who see’s Jesus in a moment of inexplicability and then her entirety, her sexuality, her acceptance, her Love of All things,  her Love of being happy without recognition evolves instantaneously, and she chalks that up to having “Found God”…….and within her Heart of Hearts becomes more than her parents EVER told her she could become.  The Men who never should have made it home from the moon but because “SOME” thing touched them……they arrived home safely.  The little boy who could move spoons across the breakfast table with his mind and then be beaten for it and still walk away smiling about it.  The jews that said FUCK YOU to Hitler!!    The many things that have happened that still don’t quite fit in with popular belief or religion………..those things………..have answers……..crazy ass ridiculous answers……….but answers nonetheless.  I want to tell you ALL right here…..right now…….WHY……..I KNOW that Metaphysics is where the truth to all questions can be found…………Einstein, Jesus, Freud, Siddartha, Sartre, Bacon, Disney, King, Caesar, Poe, Tolkien , Asimov, Tolstoy, DaVinci, Khan, Mecca, Babylon, the Sun, Ra, The Universe, Chaplin, Cayce, Carlos Castaneda, Mary, The Sound Of Music, Love, Premonitions, Dreams, Animals, Beauty, Emerson, Pele, Gravity, Years, Sight, Mathematics, Space, Kisses, The Bible, Kempis, Religion , War, Life and Death………..they are ALL made of the same thing………..ENERGY!!………going to sleep……….more to come……….T xo